Trying to Find My Way

This is going to be a rambling post so, I hope you will forgive me for that.  The last several months have been very challenging for me and I am still trying to find my way through it.  In the Fall, I was diagnosed as having anxiety and depression which was not particularly shocking to me.  For as long as I can remember, there has been a mighty battle waging within me and sometimes the weaker side of me gives in.  That is where I feel like I’ve been for the last few months.  It has been such a dark lonely place and sometimes I just don’t know how I function on a daily basis.  That said, I’m not suicidal or anything like that, just really emotionally exhausted and don’t want to get out of bed.  Since I homeschool my two boys that isn’t an option for me so, I trudge on, forging ahead as best I can in my day-to-day duties.

For my family I try very hard to put on a happy face because who wants to be around someone who is sad all the time?  Many days, my boys are my saving grace because they can distract me and make me laugh like no one else can.  Sometimes though, the mask slips and I let my true emotional state show and it is too much for some to bear.  My husband has a particularly hard time with it.  I guess it’s because he wants so badly for me to be happy all the time and he feels responsible if I’m not but, it has nothing to do with him.  It’s all within me and, while I try to hide it,  that isn’t always going to be possible.

My hope is that this year I can get a grip on myself and find ways to channel my negative energy into something positive.  Since giving up my photography business, I have found other hobbies to occupy my time and those certainly bring me pockets of joy.  Sewing, knitting, embroidery all are things that keep me busy and provide me with a little piece of something beautiful that was created with my own two hands.  It is incredibly satisfying to make something like that.  Photography is still a part of my life, too, just not in the same way it was.

We actually had a really wonderful Christmas.  Our house was decorated early, our tree was up early, the boys and I made sugar cookies and decorated them together.  Sean was home for a week and a half and that was really nice.  He got a promotion last year and it has taken him away from home nearly 3 weeks out of the month.  That has been quite an adjustment to make but we’re learning to deal with it.

Right now, I’m working on a pretty little ABC sampler I got and hope to finish it in the next day or two.  It’s coming along rather well and I’m proud of myself for picking it up and getting the hang of it right away.  Speaking of which, I think I’ll go work it right now.  :)

Hope all is well in your world.  Happy New Year!

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